i actually accomplished several things today (!) but am having some tendonitis, so i'll just log that i taught a double lesson, & got on stjarni to demonstrate bending at the walk, and then how to have a following seat and still request the tolt from one's pelvis.

yee haw.

Your dad used to be the spooky-mysteries TV show host Professor Midnight. Your grandmother lives in the basement and only comes upstairs after dark. Your mom died when you were a baby, and nobody will tell you about her. Oh, and you have two birthdays, both on Halloween. And that's the part of your life that's normal.

But with this birthday, everything is going to change.



Free electronic file at Scribd.

Epub, Kindle, and other electronic formats ($3.95) at Smashwords.

Kindle edition at Amazon.

Trade paperback ($14.99) at Lulu.

Hardcover ($21.95) at Lulu.

why isn't Midnight Girl with a major publisher?

For over a year, it sat with a great editor at a major house who wanted to buy it. She said:

I don't just love it, I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! Cat is one of the most kick-ass heroines I've ever come across. And talk about conflict and things at stake! (I keep having to tell authors to beef up the conflict because there's never enough.) First [spoiler deleted]. Then [spoiler deleted]. And *then* she has to make an impossible choice between two equally horrible fates. I love every single character in the book, even Ms. Arkan. I couldn't put the manuscript down. I devoured it in one sitting. Anyway, that's how much I love it.

Alas, her boss did not like it. Because she was so excited, I did a rewrite. The boss still did not like it. So my agent sent it out to a number of houses, and in every case, the results were mixed. Here's a note I just got from my agent:

I was on the phone today with one of the editors at [Major Publishing House]. He loved Midnight Girl, and went to bat for it. The word he used was "brilliant." Unfortunately, powers that be felt otherwise. But at least you now know that it did have an in-house fan. He's a young up-and-comer, so I've made a note for future work of yours.

Clearly, I have to learn how to write for publishing's old farts.

first Midnight Girl review (after a sweet twitter comment):

An gives YA a thumbs up. It's a mighty sweet review.

The twitter comment:

chaoticcalm: @willshetterly I just finished reading Midnight Girl (after the rec from Gaiman) and it was wonderful! *rushes off to read your other work*

I'll tone down the pimpage after this. But it is sweet to hear from folks I don't know that the book worked for them.

going to a hotel_jewelweed's fantastic art opening has totally inspired me to love and want to make art! i wonder if i shall? a success in either case i suppose, as just to see and appreciate is a wonder :)

russian party, hurray! stuff with sour cream on, mmmmm :)

mild wintry weather, very pleasant with good boots and a dog to walk.

must-do: go to bank, make sure bills are covered and/or money is transferred, yell at debtors, gym.

i am presently accomplishing about 1/2 thing/day. better than nuthin', right???

Somebuddy sent me a virtual snowflake cookie! Thank you--it was delicious. Yes, it looks as if it's still there on my profile, but in fact, I ate it, and left a fake mock-up cookie in its place. Muwah-hah-hah. (Mmmm, frosting!)

Kevin and I just drew at chess, in our fourth online game. We both made silly mistakes early, but it's the end which is particularly comical.

No news re: mama. They have to confer with an oncologist to find out how far the cancer has spread, what stage it's in, and the plan of action. I'm like, so, basically, he walked in, said, "You have cancer" and walked out? Yeah, pretty much.

Phone's disconnected again. Internet is about to be disconnected. Still haven't paid this months rent. Sigh.

Got sushi and went drunk miniature golfing with the law student. Damn good times. And then it sucked because he said something dickish and I pulled away from him and didn't want him touching me and then he went and slept in his car for some reason. Bah.

. mspca horse with canker well on her way to healing! so no tissue samples, but happy to see.

. massive cancellations of riding lessons. weather sucky anyway.

. bunny i wanted gone home with someone else.

. roses on day 2 of next med -- no result so far.

. had enormous amounts of idiopathic soreness in every (tendon? ligament?) which seems to be going away.

. roommates made cookies! decorated tree!

. deep-conditioned and detangled horribly neglected hair

oh, and i am writing a piece of smut for an anthology (about urban angels) and have decided that in complement to my shapeshifting fallen angel i will have a uniquely (not that we aren't all) shaped intersexed human character (chromosomally xx with congenital adrenal hyperplasia and fluid gender identity and presentation). wondering if anyone has come across intersexed people in pr0n around? i can't say i have, though have seen plenty of non-overlapping such in research history.

Mom is hanging in there. Scared to death, of course. It doesn't help that her mom died of cancer at the same age she is now. I'm being all strong and optimistic for her but, really, I just want to scream and sob.

Monday is my birthday. Tuesday I have therapy, a pre-op appointment with my gynecologist, and a volunteer orientation with Habitat for Humanity. Then Thursday morning is my D&C. Busy week.

While I usually save this for my sex blog, I'll keep it tame...

( Smutty )

Sonya: Man, why does God hate you so much?

Heidi: jealous of my impressive rack?

Sonya: I mean, we joke about it, but honestly, there has to be some gypsy curse on you.

Heidi: i honestly consider that possibility
Heidi: i need a fucking exorcism

Sonya: Are there any churches near you?

Heidi: yes a few
Heidi: i should walk in and see if the windows start exploding and the statues begin to weep blood

I has a tune.

Nobody ever named a tune after me before.

I am stunned. Also delighted.

Thank you, Toddy. You rawk.

She has cancer.

Fuck.

Oh my goddddddddd I turn 31 on Monday. The horror!

I'm having my D&C on Thursday. I'm dreading it with every fiber of my being. But I promise to go through with it this time. Because I'm making my health a priority, damn it!

Mom's doing well! I'll update you more once I see her today.

I desperately need to clean, do dishes, change the cat box, and a million other things I'd like to avoid in favor of staying in my comfy warm bed. Do you have exciting weekend plans?

Mom's going into surgery today. They're removing the large tumor and part of her colon. They'll be inserting a colostomy bag as well. It's scary. But they all seem really optimistic and I know she'll be so much better afterward.

A pile of hardback books fell off the high closet shelf and landed on, of course, my head. So now I have these two bloody gouges in my forehead as well as a large lump. It's always exciting here at Heidi's House! On the plus side, I found the copy of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself I was looking for. It was suggested to me by several people, including the support group leader and my therapist. I haven't read it yet but I'm excited to do so. I even got a pad of paper to do the activities in. Awwww.

It's taken us about a year to pull our collective fingers out, but here is the Clear Climate Code website. The code is in GoogleCode, and there's also a mailing list.

I defrosted our larger freezer today, and re-arranged and cataloged everything in that freezer and in our two refrigerators' freezers. This started out as a way to make space for 40 lbs. of bison, elk, and ostrich that I just ordered, but it turned into an anal-retentive effort to finally keep track of what is in our freezers and where it all is.

The list below is just what remains that I did not throw out due to damage/freezer burn, or decide we would eat very soon so I put it in the fridge and left it off this list. The list follows a description of the notation that I used when cataloging. Oh, and "Mystery" means exactly that -- a container without a label on it that needs to be defrosted when we have less food in the fridge to see what it is, and whether or not we'll keep it.

Looking at this list, and knowing we have 40 lbs. more meat coming next week, I'm not sure we'll ever have to buy anything except fresh veggies, milk, soda, and booze ever again. And it once again makes me thankful for our Foodsaver vacuum packer; otherwise this would all spoil before we could get around to it.

To head off an obvious question, the answer is: I love to cook, but there are only two of us. So the freezers are basically serving the same function for me as our oceans serve for our planet, only in my case it is excess food sequestration rather than excess carbon sequestration. Well, actually I guess it is carbon sequestration then, isn't it?

To the left of the ">>" are the description
and an indication of how much of that item there is:

description[*#recipes](#pkgs [* #items_per_pkg | size_of_pkg])

To the right of the ">>" is the location of the item(s). The first letter
indicates which freezer: (L)arge standalone freezer, (I)nside fridge,
or (O)utside fridge. The remainder gives additional location information.

The Large and Outside freezers each have storage space on their (D)oor;
no 'D' means the item is not on the door. Shelves (both on the door
and otherwise) are numbered 1-N starting with the top shelf. Finally,
there may be additional qualifiers to further pinpoint the item's exact
location on the given shelf/drawer: (B)ack, (F)ront, (L)eft, (R)ight.

The Inside refrigerator's freezer has 3 slide-out drawers; two on the top
and one on the bottom. These are denoted (L)eft top, (R)ight top, and
(B)ottom.

This is familiar stuff around here because it is nearly identical to
the system we use to specify the location of individual wine bottles in
our wine cabinets/racks.

Examples:

LD4 means Large freezer, on the door, 4th shelf from the top.

L3B means Large freezer, not on the door, 3rd shelf from the top, in back.

OF means Outside freezer, not on the door, in front.

IL means Inside freezer, left top drawer.

• Avocado, smoked, avocado soup*2 (2) >> L4R
• Basil purée (8) >> IB
• Bison, rolled roast, raw (2) >> LD4
• Bison, steak, NY strip, raw (1 * 2) >> L3F
• Bison, steak, ribeye, raw (MANY * 2) >> L3F
• Blueberries (1 * 0.5 cup) >> IR
• Blueberries (4 * 1 qt. bag) >> L2R
• Bottarga, mullet (1) >> L3B
• Breadcrumbs, dried, commercial (1 * 10 oz.) >> IR
• Breadcrumbs, fresh (1) >> IR
• Cheese, Cheddar, smoked (8 * 2 + 1 * 1) >> L4
• Chipotle cubes (1 * 1 qt. bag) >> IR
• Chorizo, Léon, inferior (1) >> L3B
• Chorizo, Spanish, picante (2 * 2) >> L3B
• Coconut, unsweetened (1 * 1 qt. bag) >> IR
• Crawfish, boiled (1 * 3 lb.) >> OF
• Double Mustard Chicken (3) >> LD3
• Duck breast halves, Moularde, raw (2 * 2) >> L3B
• Duck breast halves, Moularde, smoked (3) >> IB
• Duck fat, rendered (1 * 1 qt.) >> L4
• Duck fat, rendered, commercial (2 * 1.75 lb.) >> OF
• Duck legs, Moularde, raw (1 * 4) >> L3B
• Garbanzo broth (2 * 2 qt.) >> L4
• Green Garlic pesto (1) >> L2R
• Green Garlic purée (1 * 2 cups) >> L2R
• Grits, yellow, coarse, Anson Mills, raw (1 * 6 qt.) >> L1L
• Guacamole (2) >> L4R
• Guanciale, commercial (1) >> L3B
• Guanciale, commercial, refrozen (0.5) >> L3B
• Ham, for soup, raw (2) >> L3B
• Ham, steak, Farmer John's Maple (3 * 6 oz.) >> IB
• Ham, steak, Farmer John's Original (7 * 6 oz.) >> IB
• Hummus, South Beach (2) >> L2R
• Hummus, fake, Ornish (1 * 2 qt.) >> OB
• Kielbasa (1) >> L3B
• Lamb, leg, roasted (1) >> LD1
• Lamb, leg, roasted, Greek-spiced (1) >> LD1
• Lox, smoked (8) >> IB
• Meyer lemon cubes (4 * 1 qt. bag) >> IL
• Mushroom duxelle (1) >> L2R
• Mystery #1 (1 * 4 qt. container) >> OB
• Mystery #2 (1 * 4 qt. container) >> OB
• Octopus, baby, raw (1) >> L3B
• Pancetta, sliced (2 * ~0.5 lbs.) >> L2R
• Parmigiano-Reggiano rind (3) >> IB
• Peas, green, raw (1) >> IR
• Peppers, New Mexico, roasted (5 * 1 lb.) >> IB
• Peppers, Thai, red, raw (11) >> IB
• Peppers, jalapeño, red, raw (7) >> IB
• Peppers, jalapeño, red, roasted (8) >> IB
• Peppers, jalapeño, smoked (4) >> IB
• Pesto, basil, Hazan*2 (1) >> L3B
• Porcini powder (1 * 1 lb.) >> IR
• Pork, butt, smoked (1 * HUGE) >> LD2
• Pork, chops, smoked (1) >> LD2
• Pork, roast, herbed (0.5) >> LD4
• Pork, salt (1) >> IB
• Posole verde (1 * 3 qt.) >> OB
• Rabbit, raw (1 * 2) >> L3F
• Salmon, cured (5) >> IB
• Salmon, hot-smoked (9) >> IL
• Seeds, SproutPeople, Italian mix (1) >> IR
• Seeds, SproutPeople, Russian mix (1) >> IR
• Seeds, SproutPeople, hot mix (1) >> IR
• Seeds, SproutPeople, onion (1) >> IR
• Seeds, SproutPeople, sunflower (1) >> IR
• Shrimp, headless, 10/15s, raw (1 * 5 lb.) >> OF
• Shrimp, headless, 15/20s, raw (1 * 5 lb.) >> OF
• Shrimp, smoked, avocado soup*2 (2) >> L4R
• Soup, hambone (1) >> L4
• Tomato Confit (1) >> L3B
• Tomato sauce, Batali Basic (1 * 2 qt.) >> OB
• Tomatoes, slow-roasted (1) >> OB
• Truffle butter (1) >> IR
• Turkey breast, smoked (2 * ~1.5 lbs.) >> IR
• Yeast, Red Star packet (3) >> IB

- vet report on dog thoroughly uninformative

? decided clinical course to undertake anyway

- no bunny, due to emotional fragility related to dog medical issues

+ dog not dead

- horse at mspca has canker

~ vet at mspca my same vet; agreed to work with me on research testing/treatment of cankered horse

++ stjarni fine

- didn't beach ride this season due to financial fretting about vet bills

~ realize the above is probably not really necessary, just fretting

+ made it to silks class last night

--- major panic during silks, secondary to uninformative vet stuffs

+ coped more or less; class kindly about that. managed catcher's hang (though not 3/4 spin-drop this time), also front and back stags

+ instructor says i'm still getting stronger

+++ supportive and helpful and awesome and comforting friends

I went to my second Codependents Anonymous meeting last night. Nothing Earth shattering but I'm going to continue going and taking away what works for me. And leaving the Jesus stuff and chit chat behind.

My therapist is really proud of me for going to the support group and that I'm giving myself homework and creating goals in relation to it. So that made me feel all warm and fuzzy. You know, I really love that he's supportive of me sexually; that he doesn't make me feel shame or guilt for any of it. That he encourages me to ask for what I want in bed and to feel proud of myself when I do so. Fucking for mental health!

He asked me what I'll remember this year for. And while my first thought was: being institutionalized; father blowing his brains out; financial destruction; etc. that's not what I'm focusing on. Do you know what I'll remember about this year? That, after a lifetime of depression, I finally got on medications that work for me. That people can be kinder and more generous than I ever thought possible. Or that I ever thought I could deserve. And that I can survive so much more than I thought I was capable of.

Regardless, though? I cannot wait for 2009 to fucking end already!

Good Morning Paihia by *Mogrianne